I Am Suing

The Saints’ season ticket holders are suing the NFL and its commissioner, Roger Goodell, after Sunday’s NFC Championship Game, where a missed ‘pass interference’ call allowed for the LA Rams to come back and win the game in overtime, booking their ticket to the Super Bowl and ending New Orleans’ season.

While the entire thing is ridiculous, in my opinion, and will never come to fruition, doesn’t a little part of you want to do the same? Especially after some of the ridiculous moments we’ve had in the past few years?

Imagine if the people of Nashville sued the NHL for ‘Distrust of the Game’ after the 2016 Stanley Cup Final when Colton Sisson’s goal was called back due to a referee’s intent to blow a whistle. Or if Buffalo sued for ‘loss of faith in the NHL’ after Edmonton got the 1st overall pick to secure Connor McDavid, despite the Oilers having 11.5% odds and just getting 3 first overall picks in a row from 2010-2012.

But the aspect of the Saints’ lawsuit that piques my interest the most is ‘Loss of Enjoyment of Life’. God, how much fun would it be to sue Gary Bettman for loss of enjoyment of life? Like screw you Gary, my team sucks, you ruined the Olympics, and we’re about to have a third lock out. My life sucks and it’s all your fault.

Even more so than Gary, imagine if you could sue an athlete for ‘loss of enjoyment of life’. God, who would it go to first? If the Eagles weren’t the reigning Super Bowl Champs, mine probably would have been Tom Brady.

Derek Jeter used to haunt me as a child, though he’s since retired, and the Phillies have sucked for long enough that I have gotten used to that dull ache where my baseball based joy used to be. (Hi, Bryce Harper, please fill that hole in my heart.) However, since this a hockey blog, and I am a diehard Flyers fan, I came to the (obvious) conclusion that the people that have sucked the most joy from my life are all hockey players.

Sidney Crosby was the first hockey player that jumped into my brain, for obvious reasons. He’s been the Flyers’ boogeyman for so long. Just across the state, he’s won three Stanley Cups during his career while we haven’t won since 1975. We face him and his merry band of men in the first round of almost every playoffs (mostly because the playoff format is dumb- add that to the list of things I want to sue Gary for), and get absolutely demolished almost every time.

The next person I thought of was Patrick Kane. Aside from just being a horrible human being, Patrick Kane owes me financial damages personally for his celebration of his OT goal in Game 6 of the 2010 Stanley Cup Final, right in my 14 year old face. It was just straight up rude, and it sparked a dynasty that has haunted all of the NHL since. It is that particular goal that began the timeline where Kane goes to every All-Star game, outdoor game, and almost every playoff since that moment. I’m sick of his dumb face, and would love to finally get him in front of a judge.

But as much as I hate Sidney and Patrick, some particular people on my own team have sucked more joy out of me over the course of 82 games, than Kane or Crosby ever could in 2-4 games a year.

Andrew MacDonald: I’m looking at you. You overpaid nematode. You have ruined team after team with your mediocrity, as coaches have praised your ‘veteran presence’. You deserve the A ripped off your jersey, an early retirement, and to be shipped off to Nova Scotia never to be heard from again. But, I digress.

Another group of people that has brought me insurmountable levels of pain over the years would be all of the Flyers goalies since 1975 not named Carter Hart. They have all sucked despite having some of the most talented teams in front of them, and if it weren’t for their absolute mediocrity, the Flyers could have had multiple cups since then. The Forsberg era, Lindros and the Legion of Doom, the 2010 Stanley Cup Finals team, heck even this team right now, with Giroux, Voracek, Ghostisbehere, Couturier and Provorov could at least put up a challenge if it weren’t for some of the most pathetic goaltending appearances anyone has ever seen from goalie after goalie.

While I may still be deciding who, in my history of being a Flyers fan, has sucked the most joy out of my life, some of the girls at For Pucks Sake had more direct answers for who they would sue for ‘loss of enjoyment of life’…

Alix: Tom Brady.

Kelsey: Crosby ruined my life multiple times and likes to see me cry. But I would prefer revenge to litigation.

Liz: I want the entire world to know how goddam much I hate Sidney fucking Crosby

Shey: Patrick Kane and Evander Kane, hands down. Both are awful on and off the ice and I felt like I was gonna die last time we played the Sharks because of what a fucking dirty pest E-Kane was being.

Annie: Corey Perry. or the Anaheim Ryans. No. Corey Perry.

Header from Awful Announcing


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